


Never the Same

by ghostplanet



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 14:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4567176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostplanet/pseuds/ghostplanet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius is failing Potions and other classes, and he is about to get kicked out if he doesn't step up his game. The others are worried and he finds out Remus has a crush on him. Things start to escalate faster than Sirius can manage. This is not a happy story. About 13 pages long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never the Same

**Author's Note:**

> Warning, this story includes or mentions: sex scenes, unhealthy relationships, self harm, suicide, depression and not dealing well with school/being lonely.
> 
> Sirius x Remus in their sixth year.

It's four in the morning and Sirius has a three-foot-long Potions essay due the next morning, or I suppose later this morning. The common room is long since empty and he still doesn't even know how to start. Sirius is supposed to explain in detail how to create the Draught of Living Death potion, continuing to discuss the difficulties of that and why his potion in particular failed. The others in his class has already turned in their essay and Sirius is late with his. Apparently if he doesn't turn this in Professor Slughorn threatens to not let him continue to take the class. Great. This isn't even the only thing he's been pushing up (past) the very last minute and probably not the only subject he's about to fail. Sirius makes an effort to not keep track because that makes it a tiny bit more bearable. Being kicked out of Hogwarts, at least that's something which would upset his parents. They'd probably kick him out too.

With a frustrated breath he gets up and walking over to the window, pulling it open he sit down on the window still, his feet dangling against the outside wall of the castle. It's cold and light snowflakes are floating through the air. Just above the forbidden forest he can see some sort of large creature flying in circles over the tree tops. He wonders if the creature feels as lonely as he does right now. Looking at the ground below him Sirius' plays with the idea of jumping and falling, falling, falling. That would probably be a nice feeling. The adrenalin of imagining to fall combined with the cold wakes him up a little and Sirius figures that if he should deal with that essay he'll have to do it now. That is what he also told himself six hours ago, and last week, and the week before that. But running out of time and this literally being his last chance, Sirius makes a real effort.

Leaving the window wide open to keep himself awake Sirius keeps checking his watch every two minutes. Working for thirty minutes straight he manages to get through explaining one third of the steps to making the potion. Telling himself that he deserves a break he sits down by the fireplace. There's a still a glow in the ashes that hasn't gone out yet. But as Sirius sit there trying not to yawn it dawns on him that it would probably be a lot easier if he wrote the difficulties of making the potions intertwined with the steps of how to make it. It makes him want to pull out his hair as he bury his head between his knees. How could he be this dense? Writing this essay isn't that difficult. It shouldn't be this difficult.

Getting up Sirius moves over to his no-way-near-finished essay again, but sitting down a wave of panic washes over him. It feels impossible to finish this on time or write something that Slughorn would pass. He's going to get kicked out of potions and Hogwarts and have to live on the streets. Suddenly, jumping out of the window is a lot more tempting than writing another word. But making an inhumane sound Sirius' forces himself to keep writing anyway.

Hours later, looking through the final product he can see several spelling mistakes, whole steps he's missed, it's about a foot and a half too short and over all it's so poorly written it makes him wonder if it's even worth turning in. With a sigh he starts packing away his book when he suddenly hear footsteps coming down the girls' staircase.

Cursing under his breath Sirius shove his stuff down his bag and rush up the stairs to the dorm before whoever was coming downstairs gets a chance to see him. Praying that the others haven't woken up yet Sirius crack the door open.

"There you are!" Remus says too gleefully for this hour.

Taking a step inside Sirius sees him fresh out of the shower, half dressed. Swallowing he busies himself with reorganizing the books in his bag.

"You're up early," Remus comments and Sirius nods.

"I had this thing for potions I had to finish, so I got up early," he explains. Turning around his eyes linger as Remus button up his shirt.

"We don't have any essays in potions this week," Remus says confused.

"Well, this one is late," Sirius shrugs, wishing Remus would just drop the topic. Even if he hadn't been up all night, having conversations this early wasn't really something Black did. Remus should know that.

"Oh, the one about Golpalott's Third Law?" Remus asks. "That one was probably one of the trickiest essays we've written so far! If you want I can take a look at it before breakfast."

"No, it's ok. I think I've got it down," Sirius blurt out, picking up his bag. "I've got some things… I'll see you later."

Before Remus has time to say anything else Sirius rush out of the room.

* * *

By the time their Potions class actually starts Sirius feels like he's about to fall asleep standing. But he gets through the class by pinching his nails as hard as he can into his palm. They are supposed to make Veritaserum but Sirius is barely making an effort. He knows he won't succeed so why even try. Sirius catch both Peter and Remus glance in his direction every now and then. He thinks to himself that he probably looks like a wreck. But they don't say anything and Sirius is more than happy to keep his mouth shut. James is too busy making his potion and comparing it to Evans' every two seconds to even notice Sirius' lack of enthusiasm. As if Sirius normally would be getting this stuff right anyway.

Towards the end of the class Slughorn goes on and on how important it will be to know this potion for their N.E.W.T. examinations next year. When he finally lets them go Sirius rush out of the classroom before Remus or Peter has time to say anything. Running up a few stairs and through empty corridors Sirius finds a bathroom he knows to usually be abandoned. Closing the door behind him and sinking to the floor he can feel tears running down his cheeks. When did everything get this fucked up? Sirius feels exhausted. He's so tried of school, homework, the others for not noticing and Remus for noticing but of course not saying anything. Fucking hell. Clawing at the inside of his forearm Sirius let out angry scream.

Getting up Sirius stars at himself in the mirror. His hair is a mess and he's in desperate need of a shower. It's clear that he hasn't had a proper night sleep in the past month and right then he feels like the ugliest person to have ever walked this dull school. Blood is running down his arm from where he pushed down his nails. Another wave of panic wash over him as he pull at his long hair, stamping on the spot. Calming down slightly Sirius watch the warm blood run down his arm, dropping into the white sink. It makes him feel slightly dizzy and he focuses on that feeling for awhile.

The door is suddenly swung open behind him and Sirius quickly hides his bleeding arm behind his back. A young Slytherin boy, maybe in his fourth year enter the bathroom. Quick to grab his bag Sirius hurry out of there. Is there nowhere you can be alone on this bloody school?

* * *

He is really supposed to have Muggle Studies next, but not quite feeling in the mood for it Sirius decides to get an hour or two of sleep. Besides, out of all his classes this was probably the only one he wasn't about to fail. And it wasn't like James, Peter or Remus took the class and would notice him skipping it. He tries to heal his arm as he's rushing towards the dorm but only manages to stop the bleeding and his shirt is stained.

But of course, entering the dorm Remus is already there reading a book.

"Sirius!" Remus calls before he has time to run off again. Sirius doesn't know where he's going, but anywhere he can be alone and sleep sounds about perfect right now.

"What do you want?" Sirius ask shortly facing Remus, careful to keep his arm hidden.

"I'm just wondering how you are. You seem a bit… off."

Sirius shrugs. "What? No, I'm fine. A bit tired maybe, got up early this morning. I'm not really used to that," he says, adding a smile.

"Yeah?" Remus asks.

Laughing Sirius nods. "Yeah, what do you want me to say? I'm fine. Wow, groundbreaking, I know!"

"You know you can talk to me, right? If there was anything going on or so…"

"Yeah, yeah!" Sirius says perhaps too quickly and perhaps too cheerfully. "Same goes for you mate, always."

"Good," Remus says returning the smile. "Don't you have class now?"

"Pretty sure you do too!" Sirius points out. Trying to get him to talk was one thing, but accusing him of skipping class when he was doing the same?

"Oh yeah, I've got some-"

"It's OK. I won't tell if you don't," Sirius jokes. "But I should go, or I'll be even more late than I already am."

"Right," Remus agrees and Sirius disappears down the stairs again.

Not knowing where to go or what to do Sirius figures it's best to head to class anyway. At least that was the better option than accidentally running into James or Peter if they also were hiding out somewhere, hoping to catch him off guard.

* * *

The rest of the day pass in a haze. Sirius does his best to avoid James, Peter and Remus which turns out to be surprisingly easy. He doesn't see any of them at dinner but heading back to the dorm he understands why. Of course.

"... because I don't see how that would do any difference," James says in an angry voice at the other side of the door.

"No, just let me talk to him I don't see how you-" Remus is cut off.

"Do you  _like_  him or something?" James ask and Sirius feel another wave of panic wash over him.

"What would that have to do with everything?" Remus exclaims and Sirius hangs his head. Remus can't fancy him. Remus can't like him. He doesn't deserve love, he doesn't want to be remembered.

"It's got everything to do with everything!"

"Just let me talk to him first!"

"Because he would listen to you instead of his best mate?" James snaps and there's a heavy silence even Sirius can feel from where he's standing.

"Look, Remus, I didn't mean to say that."

"Don't."

"No, I mean really."

"DON'T! WILL YOU JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE? I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU."

The door is pushed open and Sirius takes a step back as James steps out.

"Fucking great," James mutters under his breath before he dash off.

Feeling like he's going to break into a million pieces Sirius somehow manages to leave before Remus has time to notice he's there.

Much later has Sirius just returned to an empty dorm after having had a long shower when James and Peter barges in laughing.

"Oh, Sirius, how are you?" Peter asks, flashing him a small smile.

"Good, good." Sirius nods. "Missed you at dinner today."

"Missed you at lunch," Peter answers making both of them laugh.

"Listen, we heard Peeves flooded the dungeons and we're going to watch Slytherins cry over their human bone collections getting wet. Want to come?"

"Ah, I'd love to," Sirius says with a sigh. "But I've got some stuff. You'll have to retell it to me in details though!"

James nods. "We will!"

As soon as James and Peter are off Sirius crash into his bed screaming into his pillows.

"You okay?" Remus ask behind him, making Sirius jump.

"What the fuck is you doing here?" Sirius snaps, forgetting for a second he's supposed to act happy and nice.

"Reading," Remus says, sitting down at the edge of Sirius' bed.

Looking up Sirius notices that the curtains around Remus' bed has been drawn shut. With a groan he buries his head against his pillow again.

"Just leave me alone, I'm having a bad day," Sirius sighs.

"What for the past month?" Remus asks, raising an eyebrow and Sirius can't help but smile. Him having one 'bad day' after another started a lot earlier than a month ago but Remus or the others didn't notice sooner makes him feel a bit relieved.

"No Sirius, that won't fix this!" Remus says irritated. "You can't just smile and pretend that everything is fine, you're clearly not!"

Chuckling Sirius shakes his head. "No, that's not what I meant to do. It's funny, that's all."

With a frustrated sigh Remus close his eyes for a second too long. Sirius fiddle with his hands where he's sitting. Looking down at his nails he wishes Remus would say something instead of just sit there looking sad and disappointed. Everyone is always disappointed.

"It's been longer than a month," Sirius says quietly after a moment, making Remus look up at him.

"Do you mind if I sit?" Remus asks and Sirius shrug as Remus moves up next to him on the bed.

"More than a month, huh," Remus says nodding.

"I don't want to be in my own skin," Sirius says, letting out a strained, shaky breath.

Remus shifts slightly next to him, not saying anything.

Glancing up at Remus, Sirius notices how tense he is and feels his stomach turn into a knot. He feels like he's about to throw up, but instead he leans closer to Remus, pressing their lips together.

Remus stay frozen and Sirius wonders if he's going to push him away. But as Sirius climbs onto his lap Remus kiss him back. Parting their lips Sirius slid his tongue into Remus' mouth, kissing him desperately. Remus' hand moves through Sirius' hair, pulling him closer. Their bodies close together Sirius starts to unbutton Remus' shirt, running his hands over his bare chest. He can feel Remus start to pull back, only making Sirius kiss him deeper and more aggressively. Their teeth are clashing together and Remus is breathing heavily when Sirius abruptly pulls back. Remus wouldn't want this. Not like this.

Without saying a word they remain sitting close, their arms barely touching, both staring straight ahead. For awhile Sirius considers leaving but Remus doesn't say anything or move a muscle and it actually makes Sirius feel a bit better. Just having someone there and not being interrogated with question or judged. Had James wanted to corner him?

"Nothing will ever be the same again," he mumbles more to himself than Remus. Sinking down slightly he rest his head against Remus' shoulder.

"Tired?" Remus asks.

"I didn't sleep last night," Sirius explains.

"Oh," Remus nods. "Is that something you do often?"

Sirius shrugs. He's either sleeping all the time or not at all. "It's just so difficult," he says instead.

"Yeah?" Remus encourages him.

Sirius takes a heavy breath. "Everything. I can't do anything, I feel so dense."

"You're not dense! You could do anything you set your mind to," Remus says, giving Sirius' arm a squeeze. But Sirius yank back his arm, sitting up straight.

"Yeah?" Sirius snaps. "Then why wasn't I able to finish the Draught of Living Death essay until this morning? Why is Slughorn threatening to kick me out of potions? Why am I about to fail all the other subjects I'm taking at this blood school? Why can't I for the life of me get out of bed some mornings? And sleeping being impossible other nights? I'm so fucking tired. My life is falling into pieces and I'm a fucking waste of space."

Remus opens his mouth to say something but Sirius beats him to it. "And don't fucking say I just need to set my mind to it!"

"No, I wouldn't say that," Remus says in a calm voice and give him a sad smile, making Sirius feel even worse. "You're depressed."

Sirius let out a cold laugh. "You know I love the muggle world and it pisses off my parents, but a muggle disease for crazy people? Good one."

"Is isn't just for muggles you know," Remus tries to explain.

"Well clearly!" Sirius says resisting to roll his eyes.

"No, I mean it. This isn't something a lot of magic folk talk about."

"Keep it that way then?"

"It's a highly treatable illness that-"

"Can we not talk about this right now," Sirius cuts him off.

"This isn't something you'll want to talk about," Remus insists. "That's part of the illness."

"Please?" Sirius begs.

"Sure."

* * *

Sometime after that Sirius must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knows it's five in the morning and Remus is gone. But walking down to the common room Sirius finds him sitting alone staring out the window. The grounds are covered in a white blanket of snow and everything is quiet.

"There's something special about the snow, don't you think?" Remus says as Sirius sit down in a chair next to him.

"I suppose," Sirius shrugs. "Are you up early or late?"

"Early," Remus says with a small smile.

"That's good. Are you good? You're not freaked out or anything?"

"No," Remus says with a small happy sigh. He leans in for a kiss and Sirius kiss him back half heartedly, his eyes still open. Are they going to be in a public relationship now? Is Remus expecting make out sessions at any hour of the day? How would he go about dumping his best friend before they've even started a relationship? Sirius isn't sure where this is leading but it's a new kind of pain. It could keep him distracted.

Standing up as they kiss Sirius directs them towards the sofa. Undressing both Remus and himself and continuing to kiss him aggressively. Sirius push him down against the cushions and Remus moans as their lips are connected again.

"I want you," Sirius breathes, kissing down Remus' neck and scarred body.

"Yes," Remus mumbles, unbuttoning his pants.

x

They both breath heavily as they lie on the sofa trying to grasp what has just happened. Sirius feels another wave of panic wash over him while Remus seem perfectly happy. Of course he does. That was the idea, wasn't it? Smiling Sirius looks up at him drawing small circles on his bare chest.

"We should probably get dressed," he points out.

"Just five more minutes," Remus chuckles and Sirius punch his side playfully.

"And what about when people starts coming down to have breakfast?" Sirius asks. "I'm down with telling people, just maybe not like this."

"Yeah, you're right," Remus sighs and sits up. "I'm going to go have a shower. You want to come?"

"Um, yeah, maybe," Sirius says grabbing his clothes which are spread out across the floor.

"Suit yourself," Remus smiles before he disappears.

* * *

At breakfast Sirius and Remus and sitting close, smiling and laughing. It wouldn't surprise Sirius if Remus has already talked to James and Peter because they don't ask any questions. They just seem relieved that Sirius is back to his old self.

"Tonight I was thinking about maybe painting mustaches and beards on all the portraits in the entrance hall," James says, taking another bite of his scrambled eggs. "You want to join?"

"Yeah, that sounds like fun!" Sirius agrees, smiling up at Remus as he feel him squeeze his leg under the table. "You want to come too?"

"I did not hear this conversation," Remus says quickly. "You're forgetting who I am."

"I didn't know never having fun was part of the description for being a Prefect," Sirius says raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, Remus," James join in. "What do you say?"

"Peter! What are you doing tonight?" Remus ask, turning to him. "Didn't you need help with that thing?"

"Yeah, I'm moving out and I need someone to help me carry the boxes," he says and they all burst out laughing.

"Fine, looks like it's just you and I Padfoot," James says and Sirius nods.

* * *

Arriving early for their first class of the day, Transfiguration, Sirius drags Remus into the closest bathroom, pushing him up against the wall they make out. Sirius is pulling Remus closer by his ass as he's exploring his warm mouth.

"Sirius," Remus breathes, breaking the kiss.

"What?" Sirius mumble, kissing along Remus' neck and sucking on it until he's left a vivid red mark.

Remus moan but shakes his head. "We're going to be late," he points out but makes no effort to pull back.

"So?" Sirius says, connecting their lips again. Dragging his hands through Remus' hair he continues to move his tongue with Remus'.

"No," Remus says again, letting go of Sirius. "We're late."

"You don't want to test that theory about Prefects never having fun? Have a little fun on our own?" Sirius suggests, unbuttoning Remus' top shirt button.

Frowning Remus shakes his head.

"Yeah, you're right," Sirius says, his face dropping for a second as he takes a step back. "Let's go to class, yeah?"

Getting there just on time Professor McGonagall informs Sirius that Dumbledore has requested to see him later tonight after dinner. Trying to not show how worried he is Sirius throws James a sad smile. James shrugs and jolts something down on a note, passing it to him.

 _Another time_ , it says, referring to the prank they'd been planning.

* * *

The rest of the day pass slowly and when lunch comes around Sirius isn't sure if he'll be able to have another meal with the others and still pass for a somewhat happy person.

"Remus, I don't think I'm going to make it for lunch. I've got an assignment I'm supposed to turn in today for Care of Magical Creatures," Sirius explains. "I kind of forgot about it. It probably won't take long, but I really think I should do that."

"Oh, right. Of course!" Remus says. "I'll help you with it, what's it on?"

"You don't even take this class," Sirius points out. But Remus insists and in the end Sirius doesn't have any other option than to allow him to help.

"Are you worried about your meeting with Dumbledore?" Remus ask as they're sitting alone in the library.

Sirius looks up, unsure if he should lie or not. "I suppose," he admits. "I mean, I don't think I've ever gone to see him and have something good happen because of it."

"You'll be fine," Remus reassures him with a smile.

"I know," Sirius sighs. "Yeah, I know I will."

"Are you coming to Hogsmeade tomorrow?" Remus asks, changing the topic.

"I was thinking about that, but I don't think I can. I've got school work I should have finished weeks ago," Sirius chuckles but quickly bites his bottom lip when he realize Remus isn't joining him.

"I could help you with that," Remus offers but Sirius shakes his head.

"No no, you don't have to do that! Go with the others to Hogsmeade, I'll still be here when you get back!"

"You will?" Remus asks, leaning in for a kiss.

"That is unless Dumbledore kicks me out tonight," Sirius jokes.

"Don't say that!" Remus smiles, giving him another quick kiss.

Remus gets up to fetch another book and Sirius is left by the table alone for a moment. Burying his face in his hands he can feel himself shaking. What are they doing pretending everything is alright? Is Remus really stupid enough to believe all this crap?

* * *

When dinner finally arrives Sirius can barely sit still.

"You should really eat something," Peter points out, dishing up a second portion of mashed potatoes to his plate.

"I can't," Sirius mumbles.

"That nervous, huh?" James asks.

"Like you wouldn't be? This isn't good, I can feel it."

"If you two haven't been kicked out of the school yet, I don't see why you would be now," Remus tries to encourage him.

"Yeah!" James agrees. "Or if that's the case I'll make sure to get kicked out too and we'll live the life on the road… or something."

"I appreciate the thought," Sirius nods, starting to get up.

"Where are you going?" Peter asks.

"To see Dumbledore."

"He's sitting right there, still in the middle of his dinner."

"Well, I'd rather be early than late. See you later tonight if I'm still alive."

"Whatever," James chuckles.

* * *

Realizing he doesn't have the password to Dumbledore's office Sirius ends up sitting on the floor outside until Dumbledore finally shows up.

"You seem nervous," Dumbledore points out as they sit down by his desk.

Sirius shrugs.

"Well, you should be. You're quite the topic at the teachers' meetings."

Looking up at him Sirius doesn't say anything.

"Professor Slughorn has talked to me about your work in his class. As you can imagine, he's not impressed." Dumbledore pauses. "Neither are the other teachers."

Sirius remains quiet.

"I'm reluctant to tell you that you are being suspended. Your parents have been informed and on Monday morning you will be on the Hogwarts Express back to London."

Dumbledore sighs. "I need you to understand how severe this situation is. I don't want to threaten with expulsion, but that is will eventually happen if you keep this up."

"I'm aware, Sir," Sirius nods.

"Very well then. Is there anything else you would like to talk to me about?" Dumbledore asks, leaning back in his chair.

"No, Sir."

"Then you're free to go."

Not needing to be told twice Sirius gets out of there as quickly as possible without running.

Students are returning back from their dinners and not feeling up for a long interrogation by the others Sirius head up to the owlery instead. Nothing is working out anymore. Sirius doesn't know how to keep this up, any of it. Everything is just so tiring.

Staring out across the grounds a single tear rolls down his cheek. He suddenly doesn't even feel sad anymore, just relieved. This isn't forever. Nothing is permanent. His hands are shaking but he feels like a great weight has been lifted off his chest.

* * *

"How did it go?"

"That took long."

"You're not kicked out right?"

Sitting down on his bed in the dorm Sirius shakes his head. "Nah, he's just asking me to keep up with my school work or I'll get kicked out. But not yet!"

He flash a smile but it doesn't feel right and the others doesn't look convinced.

"Well that's good, right? For now you're good," James says.

"Yeah," Sirius agrees, staring down at his hands.

Remus sits down next to him and James and Peter give them some space.

"Are you okay?" Remus asks, picking up Sirius' hand but Sirius pulls it back.

"Yeah I'm fine," he says.

"I really wish he wouldn't have done this. He should know you're doing better, that you're trying to do better."

Sirius shrugs. Is he really? "It was just a warning, right?" Sirius mumbles.

"Hey," Remus says, pulling up his face, forcing Sirius to look at him.

Sirius holds his gaze for a second before his guilt get the better of him and he has to look down.

"I'm a bit tired, I think I'm going to lie down for a second."

"Of course," Remus nods understanding. He leans in to kiss Sirius' cheek but Sirius turns his head, kissing him on the lips instead. Sirius has one hand placed on Remus' leg and the other behind his head. Kissing slowly Sirius can feel tears rolling down his cheeks again and pull back.

"I really appreciate you and what you do, you know," Sirius says.

"I know," Remus says with a sad smile.

* * *

The next morning Sirius wakes up as he hear the others move around, getting their stuff together. He remain laying in bed, pretending to be asleep as he listen to James talk about Evans and their upcoming quidditch game. Remus and Peter sound like they're in good moods too. When they finally leave Sirius find himself crying again. This really shouldn't be too difficult he mutter to himself, starting to sort through his stuff with blurry eyes and shaking hands. But he has to do this, this is his only option. The others will have to understand, there's nothing else he can do.

* * *

-x-x-x-

Wanting to check in on Sirius and offer to help him with his homework Remus is getting back early to the school, even though Sirius told him not to. But Sirius is not in the common room and entering the dorm something is different. On Remus', James' and Peter's beds there are small neatly put together piles of stuff. Stuff that belongs to Sirius. Turning over his worn copy of Motorcycle Diaries in his hands Remus swallow as he look at Sirius' bed.

The usual mess that's around it is gone and his trunk is standing by his bed as if it was the last day of the term. On Sirius' usually cluttered nightstand is nothing but a pensieve with a bright, silver liquid floating around in it.

Feeling like his legs are going to cave in Remus walks over to it. This can't mean what he thinks it does. It's some stupid prank. A misunderstanding. Anything.

Despite every part of his body is screaming no, Remus takes a deep breath, dipping his head under the shining surface.

It's summer and Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus are sitting on the roof to James' parents house. They're all laughing, joking and are slightly drunk. Sirius has got his arm around Remus' shoulders and the sun is setting.

Remus watching this from a distance feel a lump in his stomach but still smiles. This was when he realized he was crushing on Sirius. It makes him wonder if maybe Sirius felt the same. Remus starts to walk up closer, but as he does the world dissolves around him.

They're in the kitchen at Grimmauld Place. Remus has only visited once but it's not a place he'd ever forget. Sirius and Walburga are screaming at each other until Orion steps between them slapping Sirius across the face, forcing him to take a step back to balance himself. Remus watch as Sirius smile and Orion hits him again. Forgetting this is a memory Remus steps in between them, watching Orion's wand go through his chest instead. Orion is threatening to kick out Sirius. Walburga goes on about how he's no true son of hers Remus blinks away a tear as Orion hits Sirius again.

Blinking again Remus finds himself in a bathroom. Downstairs he can hear Orion and Walburga screaming at each other. At the edge of a shining bathtub Sirius is sitting, running a straight razor across his wrist. Pale as a sheet he let's the blood drip into the tub.

Remus moves over next to him and jumps as the bathroom door is suddenly yanked open.

Regulus stares at Sirius with large eyes for a second. Neither of them moving or saying a word.

Shifting Sirius opens his mouth but before he has time say something to Regulus shuts the door again.

It's late and Sirius is sitting alone in the common room working on an essay for History of Magic. His hair is shorter and there are visible scars on his arm. This must have been at least a year ago. So longer than a month, huh? Remus waits for something to happen, wondering why Sirius would show him this memory. But nothing does, and maybe that's the point? A minute passes and Remus watch how Sirius just keeps staring at his open book and blank parchment, clenching his teeth.

They're in the common room again, but this time other books are lying open in front of Sirius and he's sitting by a different table. Once again he's not doing anything except for blankly stare at his empty parchment.

The room dissolve around them and they once again appear in the common room, late at night, Sirius just sitting there. This happens over and over as Remus watch him night after night just sitting there. In every memory Sirius looks a bit more tired and worn down. The scars along his arm, which he's apparently not to concerned to hide when he's alone, are multiplying. Fresh ones, deeper ones. If only he'd have know.

A scene of Remus and him hugging. But the memory only lasts for a second before it dissolves before him.

Sirius is alone in some deserted part of the castle screaming at the top of his lunges. Sobbing uncontrollably. Feeling helpless and scared Remus cry with him. He doesn't like this or these memories one bit.

Remus is back in the dorm, but still in a memory. It looks like it had this morning and Sirius is standing with his back towards him by the closed window. It's quiet.

Letting out a heavy breath Sirius shifts from one foot to another. "I um, I don't really know how to start this. Or if it's a good idea at all," Sirius says to himself. "But I feel like I have to do something. Say something to make you understand. And whatever you do, remember this is not your fault."

Remus walk up to Sirius. Standing to his side behind him he can see that he's crying. He doesn't want to hear this, he doesn't want to be here. But he remains frozen, waiting for Sirius to continue.

"I'm intending to pack my stuff, I'm hoping I had time to do that. That's um, send my trunk to my parents. And there's probably some stuff on your bed." Sirius takes a shaky breath. "Keep it or throw it away. I don't care. I won't need it anymore, clearly."

There is another pause and Remus wraps his arms around himself. He doesn't like where this is going. Not one bit.

"I can't be the person people expect me to. I've tried, trust me, I've really, really tried. It just doesn't work. I think maybe you saw a glimpse of that the other night. I'm so fucking sorry for that. I shouldn't have lead you on or made you think that I'm someone… that I… I don't deserve your love, or anyone's. I'm a waste of space, really. There are other kids who would do anything to get into this school. I don't… I shouldn't be here if I can't even keep up with my school work." Sirius lets out a quiet chuckle. "Dumbledore suspended me and it was only a matter of time until I would have been kicked out for good."

"No," Remus whispers where he's standing, shaking his head.

"I understand if you hate me," Sirius continues. "You probably want me alive again so you can murder me yourself."

"No-no-no-no-no," Remus mumbles.

"Just whatever you do, don't blame this on yourself. I've been waiting for this day. It would have happened sooner or later, not matter what you did or said. This is in no way your fault."

He pauses and Remus notices that it's slowly starting to snow outside. Sirius turns around, staring right through Remus.

"I don't expect you to forgive me, but know that I'm sorry. If I could have I would have wiped the memory of me off every person I've ever met." A sad smile flash across his face. "I love you, I always will. Good bye, Moony."

Screaming Remus tries to hold on to Sirius but he's being sucked out of the memory and into the next.

"Please," he sobs, not wanting to see Sirius in any more pain.

Looking around through watery eyes Remus finds himself by the lake. His heart sinks as he watches the four of them sitting around bored in the evening sun.

"You know this is probably my favorite spot," Sirius says, smiling up at Remus who's in the middle of making a flower crown for Sirius.

"Yeah?" Remus chuckled. "Why's that?"

Sirius shrugs. "It's got the nicest view," he says, not taking his eyes of Remus, making him blush. "And you're away from everyone else. It doesn't even feel like we're in school."

"Yes, this is nice," Remus agrees. James is playing with a stolen snitch but the Remus who's witnessing this from a distance turns his back. He can't watch this anymore.

He barely has time to recognize he's back in the door when it hits him. The lake, Sirius has gone to the lake. Scrambling to his feet Remus accidentally knocks over the pensieve, the memories lost on the floor. But right now that doesn't matter. What matters is that it might not be too late.

Running out of the dorm Remus almost collides with James and Peter.

"What's wrong?" James asks, looking like he's seen a ghost.

"Sirius," is all Remus manages to mumble before he continues running down the stairs, James and Peter doing their best to keep up.

It's cold out and light snowflakes are still floating through the air as he run. His muscles are burning and he's out of breath.

"REMUS!" he hear James shout behind him as he runs across the beach and straight into the freezing water. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Straight ahead there's something in the water as Remus make his way towards it. His clothes are heavy and he feels like he's not getting anywhere. He can't feel his fingers but he can't stop. James is shouting behind him as Remus struggle to swim through the water. Catch up with Sirius who's floating on his stomach in the water Remus turn him over. He tries to pull him back to the beach, but it's getting more and more difficult to move his arms and legs. And with Sirius also dressed in his robes he's hardly getting anywhere.

James is suddenly next to him, trying to take Sirius off his hands, but Remus refuses to let him go. Instead they struggle as they bring him back to the beach where Peter is waiting, a small crowd gathered behind him. Remus tries to feel if Sirius is still warm or if he's breathing. But his hands have gone numb he's feeling slightly dizzy from the lack of oxygen. Pulling Sirius up on the beach Remus collapse on the sand as he tries to catch his breath. He can't tell if he's freezing or boiling as he lay there staring up at the night sky and the snow falling towards him. He was too late. Remus note that James is frantically move around next to him, screaming and shaking Sirius, but he can't bring himself to even look in that direction. To look at  _him_.

The snowflakes are floating through the air and Remus can feel himself grow colder but he can't move. It's snowing for Sirius. It's snowing for his dead friend. Why wasn't he able to stop this?

"Will everyone please go back inside," a too familiar voice says. "Dinner will be served momentarily."

Turning around Remus can see Dumbledore gesturing for the other students to leave and Madam Pomfrey running towards them from the castle.

"You!" Remus says, every hair on his body standing on end. "You should have done something!" he yell, running towards Dumbledore.

Lunging towards him Remus punch him in the face, breaking his half moon shaped glasses. But of course Dumbledore doesn't do anything and Remus sink to the ground again.

Snowflakes are floating through the air and Remus was too late. He hates the snow and his heart is breaking into a million pieces.

Snowflakes are floating through the air and nothing will ever be the same again.


End file.
